Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Sorry For What I've Done In The Past...Hey guys. I'm finally back after a long time out in hibernation mode. Haha. Well, one of the main reasons why i took so long a time to blog, and a very important one too, is cos i have been busy preparing for my exams lately. Really saying the truth. It's really round the corner already. In fact gonna start real soon. That's why i received lots of mails from friends around the glode asking me where the hell had i been to. Since i'm not online most of the time too! I'm sure this explaination would have comfounded all the doubts which you fellas had in me since most of you had thought that i had disappeared once again.
So many happenings lately in my life that it's really quite an impossible task to blog it all out at one go. By the way, a new month has just embarked, albeit a month that brings back fond memories to me. The month of May this year especially holds many important events of great significance in my life than in the past that even i myself have been taken aback by the magnitude of some of them. The very first big event would have to be my major exams taking place in a few days time. Not to mention the 3rd of May which so happens to fall tomorrow. The occasion is Xiaojie's birthday. Of cos, this day had been one of the few dates which would forever be etched in my mind till the day i leave this world cos she would always be someone that's special and important in my heart. Someone that i treasure and love (not that kind of bf gf love), my soul mate. It's a pity she's ain't here at da moment thus unable to celebrate her birthday for her.
Moreover, i have a few close friends whom birthdays were held this month too. Hence there should be plenty of partying going around after my exams i reckoned. Last but not least, it's more or less around the same time last year when i broke up with her. Thus, in a way, you could actually considered it being our one year anniversary since our break-up. Looking back from a year on, i feel that i have really taken large strides in my life, especially when it comes to the issue of relationships. I feel that i have since changed for the better. No more the henpecked boyfriend that's always being at the beck and call of his girlfriend, giving in to her at all times and even apologising when i'm not in the wrong. I feel that i'm also no longer that wishy-washy when it comes to making decisions when i'm out with a girl whom i take a fancy to. Through it all, i have grown up and learnt many lessons which no amount of money could ever be bought for. A stepping stone in my life from now on whenever it boils down to relationships i guessed. Afterall, i was really very sad last year, near the brink of depression as a few close friends could testify to it. Guess one of the reasons was cos nothing like that had ever happened to me before hence the shock and trauma behind it.
I used to think that everything was her fault. That she was the cause of our downfall in our relationship. There was even a period of time when i was self-deluding myself, as i kept telling myself that i hated her. Even till the extend of doing certain things which wasn't totally what i would have ever imagined me doing it. It was as if i became a totally 360 degrees changed person, not the Calvin which everyone knew. I began doing certain things to hurt her, and in the process made her disliking me and being afraid of me. I did not know just what had overcame me. Probably due to the fact that i was not satisfied at all with the outcome of our relationship given the efforts and my love for her. Another factor could be i was easily influenced by all the nasty remarks given from certain friends whom disliked her. All in all, there were many other reasons i believed but anyway it's all in the past.
This painful journey down really took me a long and hard time to come to realise something. That nothing is ever perfect in this world. That true love never ever exists. I remembered someone once told me something, that the person you love the most in this world would never be the person who ends up with you in the end. Either that's very true or that i have not met the one true person whom i would end up loving the most. Anyway, at this very moment, though i have since gotten over her, but still she's the one that i once truly loved the most in my entire life. I have since came to the conclusion that i'm the one to blame for our breakup. You see, it takes two bloody hands to clap. If i had not done all those silly actions which i once did, i believed that we would still be together now. Afterall, we were once madly in love with each other. Now, i finally realised my mistakes and i feel guily that i had done all those things. In fact, up till a few months back, i still used to think what if i had not made all those actions, but the word "what if" is not the appropriate word to be used in this kind of circumstances. Cos if i really knew what would had happened, then i would have been one of the richest man in this world by now.
As i said earlier, i still feel sorry for what i have done before and even after our relationship had ended. I feel sorry for blogging bout what she did to me, the hurt which she caused me. I made it looked as though everything was her god damn fault that our relationship had crumbled, that she was the villain in the relationship when that was actually not the truth at all as i was at fault too. Anyway, no point harbouring those silly thoughts anymore. What's done has already been done, we can't change anything. I wonder whether she would ever forgive me for the hurt which i caused her during the time when we broke up, but all i just wanna say to her is that i have since forgiven whatever she once did to me and would never bear any grudges against her. If there's ever a chance for us to become friends once more, i would gladly jump the boat and take up the opportunity at any time. Moreover, i really wanna asked her for her forgiveness and to apologise to her face to face though i believe it would not come any time in the near future. Anyway, i sincerely wished her all the best in whatever she does in the future and i hoped that she knows something. Which is i would always be there for her if she ever needs my help.
McFly - Sorry Is Not Good Enough
This song here is specially dedicated to her. Hope she likes it if she's listening to it.
I'm sure some of you guys reading this post now would either be mad at me or be surprised in what was the sudden change in me. Since i wasn't like that at all in the past. Well, i think i have to be honest with u guys. In actual fact, i began to have that kind of feeling and thinking a few months back ago. It's just that i did not know how or who to relate to. Furthermore, i think i lacked the courage to describe my feelings. In the end, something which i did two weeks ago changed my perceptions. I finally muster up the courage to approach her and talked to her, though via msn. It was really a huge shock to me once the moment i hit the "enter" key after typing the words "hi.. how are you?". In the end, and to my surprise, she did respond to me though i had not wished for the way our conversation ended. Anyway, at least it was something after not talking to each other for close to a year. In fact, after the conversation which i had with her, it was really like getting a huge amount of load off my chest. Felt very comfortable indeed. I wanted to say it out, how i felt and everything, but did not know which way was the best possible method to do it. In the end, i came down to the conclusion that i shall do it over here in my blog. I mean what the heck, if i can't even say it in my own blog then where else could i have done it, ain't i right?
&faded to grey at 1:37:00 AM♥
